These R the Thoughts
by Kariko Emma
Summary: Kakashi leaves Konoha for Tobi. He's got CANDY! ... just kidding... Speculation, obviously. Enjoy, hopefully, nonetheless.
1. Everything

**These R the Thoughts**

**Summary:** Kakashi leaves Konoha for Tobi. (He's got CANDY!) (just kidding… :)  
**Spoilers:** I have no idea. (Oh…vol. 37 and what will be vol.42 hintings…I think…)  
**Author's Note:** 'These R the Thoughts' is a song by one of my favorite music artists, Alanis Morissette. (Lyrics don't fit 100 percent, but the spirit I find is the same.) I would dedicate this to her if she loved Naruto—but, alas, I dunno, so, uh…whatever. (And if you know some of her music, you'll note the chapters are other fitting song titles by her.) This is _speculative_ (for right now, lol)—I'm not sure why I started writing it, and until Tahle helped me, it was a goner. Lool. So…please enjoy (3 whole chapters of crap, lol) until Kishimoto-sensei enlightens us with his master plot, no doubt currently in the works.  
**Big Big Hugs and Thankies:** To…**Tahle** for previewing most of this…and giving me the inspiration and reason to finish it. (Hopefully with a bang! Lol)  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto. (sigh)  
**Genre:** Oh jeez…Angst? Humor? No clue…

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Chapter One: **Everything **(And You're Still Here)

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It used to be a white line feathering at the edges for the grace of one man. The blade took order from no other bloodline, under no further subject than Poe's diction as Jiraiya made a nice use of imagery from it once. It was all so simple. But then one day you went and broke it, didn't you? Was it under the weight of your mistakes, your failures—or did the man's flesh turn to steel? It wouldn't be the first time, just like the choice you're making right now. At least or so he told himself. He was right and the world was wrong. Perhaps that was the guiding insanity. Others were welcome to define him by that stubbornness, but no one had ever called him on it until now. He knew it had to be the same person who called him on it all those years ago. There was nothing to dissuade him now but perhaps the blade, such a small broken reminder. All those mistakes, all his fantastic failings were right there in the dulled white reflection. Jiraiya really did have it perfect. It was right before the chapter Naruto grieved for a lost friend.

But Kakashi took the blade with him not knowing why—probably because there were too many reasons.

It was the same thing when he stopped at Jiraiya's monument stone—the one on the very order of a lip-stick wearing hokagé. So this is what his tax dollars were doing. It was all under the watchful stare of two ANBU black opps teams also under given order by Tsunadé. He could not stay long. It used to be he was alone in places like this most of the time. A long time ago it used to be you come here, have a revelation, and then go home. Well revelations always came too late for him anyway so there's not much point—especially considering who he's standing before. Jiraiya knew the story well; he knew he'd be damned if he ever offered advice to you anyway. At that moment Kakashi missed Jiraiya-sama. He was paranoid about not wanting to seem like spiting the ero-sennin's memory or anything equally conspiratorial, so he left—the two teams following in a distance. It used to be he was on a team like that.

But Kakashi was right and the world was wrong.

It's dark outside; the moon is high, and…he smells like his closet.

He hadn't worn the vest in quite some time. It used to be his father's. Sakumo liked the weight of it, and it carried the blade well. The metal now though was marked by etched scars but…by a peculiar meticulous habit, it breathed in the moonlight reflecting a shine unseen for so many years. Still keeping track of the distance in his mind, he slowed purposefully. He wasn't concerned, in effect, that the metal was a flashing beacon of 'here I am here I am,' but knew if he did not send this meaningless message, the boy might be that much more inclined to start a meaningless search. He'd wrapped the paper around the tsuka of a kunai he imagined Naruto would treasure forever. There always seemed to be that small feeling of sentimentality in his thinking as he's about to do something unnecessarily stupid. Perhaps it was the hundred-moves-ahead side of him. Perhaps it was merely his guilt about to catch up with him, he wasn't sure. Kakashi wasn't coming back, so he wasn't sure it even mattered. This was only where it got fun.

He traveled like the buildings were naturally slowing himself down. Naruto's window frame was higher than he hoped, but he stayed a distance from it, a nonchalantal thing considering his own personae. Finally, he passed it; out a good twenty meters he made the switch. The copied copy-ninja continued the trek. As far as the transition aesthetic, it was flawless. Even with jounin at his level there can always be a split-second movement like a glitch, but smooth ones like this earned a gold star. He kept on waiting before he dared move again. Often there'd be a ninth shinobi behind squads of that size to defend the others in the event of an enemy assault; however, the lady hokagé must not have seen the need as yet still he sensed nothing from the shadows. Still, he was only one man. How much harm could he possibly do to Konohagakuré's finest?

He's gonna find out.

Finally, he takes the kunai and gauges from the light of the moon how he needed to aim it without causing too much of a shadow. It wasn't in the plan that he should have an enraged former student on his trail, let alone someone such as Naruto. He especially wouldn't want to bother Yamato-senpai if Naruto moved beyond one-tail form. Kakashi's just considerate that way. So finally he moves from the shadow and angles acute in another perfect maneuver. He moved on instantly, avoiding any kind of vicarious occasion with a dot on an outside wall. The blade had been enough to send him in Jiraiya-sama's visiting hours. Maybe it was an Hataké thing—he'd figure it out later; once the canopy of leaves hid him, once he could keep running—straight no chaser. He vowed not to bring his dogs into this; he'd already made Pakkun get his…well, paws dirty. If he couldn't do this as a ninja then he hadn't been much of a shinobi. Then again, he was never that much of a shinobi when he broke the blade. So he keeps distance with the ANBU shinobi, watching out for anything else that could hinder his departure. He would only use the sharingan when need be—God forbid Obito should witness any of this—probably because there were too many reasons.

Kare wa otoko to kamen.

It used to be he was Konoha's copy ninja. Somewhere in his prime, the latter years at ANBU he gained the title he disregarded. Honestly, in that time frame and up through his twenties he would have liked nothing more than to be remembered as the man who would unabashedly fuck with the chief counselors old man Homura and mistress Koharu. Kakashi figured he honored his father the best that way. The son was only sorry he would not be back to dust off the Hatake household or let the grey schitz run in the wheat field. It used to be so simple.

But Kakashi was right and the world was wrong.

The moon had risen higher to be a perfect circle stone of quartz in the sky. Finally, he wondered if she was in one of the teams…damn sentimentality—even though it was a legitimate possibility. He slowed without making a sound; it would be a real fine mess if he attracted any further attention. He stopped and watched as the clone did so. The path leading out of Konohagakuré never looked straighter. This was how it must have looked to Sasuké. The trees beyond never once beckoned him this much before. He wondered. The two squads descended and surrounded what they thought was the flesh and blood. Kakashi watched from the shadow of a side alley drawing on nothing but an ANBU mindset with this many shinobi. The kunai with him would be of little use to him. At least…or so he told himself. Other than the fact that they might spontaneously shatter in mid-air, he just didn't want to kill anybody. (Again, consideration.) It used to be he used these weapons against an enemy. He killed men. It went with the job. But a rogue with this level of consideration? Perhaps he didn't want to be court-martialed that badly—the same part of him that would find himself in a grand mess if he ever came back to this place.

'Cuz Kakashi was right and the world was wrong.

He still didn't know the whole story. But he was called. The crazy feeling of knowing you're still here. He's still here. And you are still here. It fit together like the two pieces that made one whole puzzle. Why the hell had it taken this long? It was simple. It was more than that—it's true he's naturally crazy, and perhaps his madness was inherent, but the look was the same. Dammit Tsunadé—the feeling never decays. Her covin was what made her indifferent; oh yes indeed she doubted they would ever speak again. He never seemed to take orders very well anyway. Especially as of late. Like, about, right now…or whatever. It used to be much the same. He'd piss off every squad leader he had at one point or another. Perhaps Tobi did the same. He was gonna find out.

"Kakashi, you bastard!"

He watched as one of the ANBU black opps shifted—a white cloak and a smiling mask.

Well what a friendly way to start a conversation.

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_You see everything, you see every part_

_You see all my light and you love my dark_

_You dig everything of which I'm ashamed_

_There's not anything to which you can't relate_

_And you're still here_

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	2. Eight Easy Steps

**These R the Thoughts**

**Author's Note:** Yes, there is a Marcus reference(s) in here. I love my Babylon 5. With 'Eight Easy Steps' I might have improvised, but jeez that song fits so well. XD  
**Big Big Hugs and Thankies: **To** Tahle…again! **Major major help on this chapter…_**Thank you!!!!!!!  
**_**Disclaimer:** Even in another chapter, nothing is mine… (sigh)

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Chapter Two: (How to Ruin Your Life In) **Eight Easy Steps**

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_How to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment_

_How to defer to men in solve-able predicaments_

_How to control someone to be a carbon copy of you_

_How to have that not work and have them run away from you_

_How to keep people at arm's length and never get too close_

_How to mistrust the ones you supposedly love the most_

_How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone_

_How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone_

_I'll teach you all this in eight easy steps_

_A course of a lifetime you'll never forget_

_I'll show you how to in eight easy steps_

_I'll show you how leadership looks when taught by the best_

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1. Don't derive any pleasure from this.

Which sounds easy enough.

But it's really not. There were too many instances of instant arrogance in a cup that evolved from this concept. He was no exception. (Because Kakashi is right and the world is wrong.) How about that for irony.

He searched the group; assessing heights and weights to any possible shinobi he might know. He focused in on the group, observing their stances and deducing which ones he could knock out first. (Ten thousand spoons and all you need is a knife…) He ignored the steady weight of the kunai. Gai would have called him an asshole too. So would have Asuma. God he'd love to hear that voice of reason again. It made him think he should have apologized to Kurenai too, before he left. She used to be happy. But something like a random goodbye would only make her frown again. Kakashi would not do that to her. It was that simple. But then you had to become selfish, didn't you? No, you try and think you're doing Naruto some grand favor of the unreturnable kind. And after all, the copy ninja had been in commission for far too long anyway. The chief counselors wouldn't have to put up with any brisk calendarical doses of fuck anymore. Time will better Kurenai's wounds, along with her pink bundle of joy. And Gai…he will find a new rival. Maybe one with long hair and very nice borders. None of the shinobi here were women; he was content surmising Yuugao was elsewhere, probably on a mission. But you're still just one man. Six of them, one of you—that's after the first strike because where you come from is a far more interesting place than where they come from. Remember you are in fact a bastard but so are they if they're in it for a glory hunt. Either way it would be fun, wouldn't it?

2. Keep moving (you idiot).

His tightly wound self-control is sometimes a little too much inhibitive. It's sort of like in the same way the author doesn't know any English words that are freaking legal in a dictionary. He cursed.

3. Use those shiny things you have.

Kakashi realized the forming hands signs were those used in paralyzation juutsu. The clone was caught for a few seconds giving Kakashi the time to attack his two picked victims. Chances were there was at least one Hyuuga of the eight so he did not stop moving. The clone had already proved to be a help but if he tried it again, it'd only be a nuisance. He let Obito watch his left side, pretty much just for the hell of it. Which was of course a lie, but he wasn't a fan of paralyzation juutsu in general. He'd seen too many times a particularly large animal venting out 'unrepressed' anger. (Not to mention it hurt like hell.) Then again some kind of summoning juutsu would be equally troublesome. Think of it: the two badgers that brought down the copy nin. Tsunadé would be quite pleased. As far as the men, she might award them two shiny badges—no pun intended. It was so very simple.

4. It's not simple, nor easy.

5. Count two hundred and fifteen miles.

6. This is for Naruto, remember?

Not really. But nobody else was counting as far as Kakashi's concerned. (Remember, this isn't a Jiraiya story.)

Because Kakashi is right and the world was wrong.

That's it. That's the only reason. The blade knew it, too. Kakashi felt it, as he dug the dull edge of a kunai against another's. It still had nothing on the blade. It had no rival. There was nothing to equal it. The blade had a course as pure as snow, a voice like his father; a power not seen since Leviathan. You miss it. It's insanity was your own. And now that you've had the remnants locked inside you all these years you have no choice but to leave. But even with the broken edge, the memories remained intact. The blade remembered the blood, the steel, the moving pictures; the leaves. It's just like how, unwilling, you remember the blood, the torture, the yestermorrow, the cold floor, the bad lighting; the pain. That's why Tsunadé deemed you unmendable. And besides, you were a broken blade to begin with. And even you would never re-forge the garbage you were. So you owed everything to him. That's it. That's the only reason.

7. This is for Obito, remember?

Every day.

So it was quite simple enough. Spending so much time in survival mode kinda leaves it like that anyway. The last shinobi fell.

They would have his blood for DNA reference. It was all over their weapons; their cloaks. The moon was still high above the rogue-induced battlefield. There would be witnesses. Minutes were gold. Every second used was another spent for them to recover. He would have tried catching his breath if only he knew for sure if he was alive.

"Kakashi-senpai…you…"

She didn't have the heart to say it like it was—or maybe she did and he didn't hear.

8. Slowly turn around.

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_How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else_

_How to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself_

_How to numb a la holic to avoid going within_

_How to stay stuck in blue by blaming them for everything_

_I'll teach you all this in eight easy steps_

_A course of a lifetime you'll never forget_

_I'll show you how to in eight easy steps_

_I'll show you how leadership looks when taught by the best_

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	3. Precious Illusions

**These R the Thoughts**

**Author's Note:** The usual stuff is in here. B5 ref, continued Bradbury in mind. (Think Enderby...LOL!) And woot of woots: Alanis might have a new album out this year, so YAY:)  
**Tahle**, 'hope you like the ending...(Forgive me for the final quote!! heheh. moo.)  
**Disclaimer:** Even in the last chapter, nothing is mine… (sigh) Hope you enjoyed it…remotely. Lol.

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Chapter Three: **Precious Illusions** (You'll Rescue Me, Right?)

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"Kakashi-senpai," It was curt and calm.

"N…?" It was barely audible. He was pulling a sensei, so he didn't care.

"The note," she said with some contempt. "You thought I'd let you go, didn't you?"

But he was being realistic. "You were the ninth shinobi, weren't you—"

"Dammit, Kakashi..."

"Yes, Yuugao, I am damned," It was curt and calm.

How can you write a note without thinking about it? (It sounds like a question from the Twilight Zone.) Well, however it's done, Kakashi did it first, so there. It was about two days after Tsunadé asked him, in her words, to please explain "what the hell happened." Which, of course, sounds easy enough; but it's really not. To her small surprise, he didn't speak under any muffle or any guise of reserve. He was always a 'straight up' kind of guy anyway. Perhaps she should have known this considering his long affair with ANBU, but she was never one much for psychology. As far as she knew, everything that wasn't genetic was just negotiable. He was no different. She got more than enough information to unnerve her. At first glance she saw only the same in his actions—the outpatient papers when there shouldn't have been any such signed release, the mission request—God the 'crazygonutsoid' mission request, please don't even get her started—and then it came to his eyes. She never liked those eyes. She should have gotten as dirty as Cartagia. It would have made more sense for him in the end anyway, let alone possibly save him the least bit of trouble. Ah well—you live, you learn.

'Goodbye, Kakashi—and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

The note. Right.

Before he decided the hospital was inducing what little sanity he had left—(or maybe vice-versa), he summoned Pakkun (who was obviously positively thrilled with his master's new psychological state) and gave him the tiny piece of paper (yeah, the same eerie feeling like Shisui's supposed suicide note—only this one signed with a simple henohenomoheji, which was clearly out of more practicality than sentiment) and told the small pug to give it to Yuugao in secret.

Pakkun just kind of looked dumb for a minute.

"I am fucking insane."

Pakkun wouldn't have went that far with his master; so instead afterwards, to his master's small surprise, he showed up right back at the hospital and jumped up to sleep on the end of the bed and silently wondered why he could smell Obito. Pakkun never got to inquire and Kakashi's still too stubborn to disclosure, much like he's doing now.

"And yes, Yuugao, I thought if it came to this, you'd let me go."

"And…what is this?"

He would not answer.

"A…A treason? A one-manned mutiny? Senpai I know even you aren't that foolish."

"Am I," It was a statement and not a question.

Well…he could write a note without thinking, God only knows what else he could do! That's right, he's only been restricted all these years. Give him some fresh air, a 'bout with fearsome Leviathan; he's already lost one of his own eyes; he would give up the other if it meant anything at all.

"There are eight shinobi over there lying unconscious. Unless…unless your evil twin did it, I cannot—I _will not_ allow you to leave."

"Then find someone else. I'm not going to be around to take the credit for it."

"Oh really?"

"Really."

He turned to walk away.

"Don't," she said.

It was to no avail.

"You were right to petition Lady Tsunadé."

But he wasn't stopping.

"Dammit—" She briskly walked to be in front of him. She stopped. "You told me…you always told me to look for the hidden meanings in the hidden meanings. I…I did that once before. I _know_—"

"Don't pretend you understand it. I don't get it myself."

"Then why—?"

"Because I must."

Because he wasn't stopping.

"But you don't have to go it alone."

But it was to no avail.

"Don't," she repeated.

He walked aside her, and did not look once. After a couple meter's distance, "Aren't you going to pursue?" he said.

"No," she woke up.

He stopped, curious. "Why not?"

She smiled, just like she used to. "Because I know where you're going."

"…Oh really?"

"Really," Yuugao was always going to be a writer. She loved books. They had something in common once. So, she quoted, "'When the long night comes, return to the end of the beginning.'"

Quickly, he spun around, but she was already off on a dead run in the opposite direction. He left, quickly, cursing. The darkness ensued him under the canopy. He ran. The chorus of leaves stirred, awakened by a new wind. He trembled. It must have been the night. He kept running. You've made another big mistake. It must have been the blade. And you never said goodbye. Well she never said it either. So there.

How can you write a note without thinking about it? She could let it fly in the wind easy enough, so what does it matter? It will fly, it will float; it will burn. Maybe it was an Hataké thing—she'd figure it out later. God just knew they'd figure it all out later.

When they found you already in pieces, you didn't understand his concept. His basis of foundation. It was just as skeptical as yours, but with more _eternal_ intrigue. He was running—without thinking much of anything, really. Just try and remember who this is for (you idiot). Understanding is far too complicated. Since when they found you, already in pieces, you were already repenting in your reticence. The silence of yestermorrow. It was always this quiet--much like the blade. So keep repenting. Which was all the same old thing.

_You'll rescue me, right?_

"Lady Tsunadé!" she called, rushing into her room. "Lady Tsunadé, are you awake?"

"Of—off….with…" came a murmur. She was seated at her desk, hunched over a book too big to contain little words. Tsunadé did not like being woken up—especially not at this hour. "Shi…Shizu..né…what's up…?"

"Lady Tsunadé, Uzuki Yuugao is requesting deployment of squad A—she says Hataké Kakashi has just left the village."

"What…the fuck?" And then Tsunadé waved her off without giving any further consideration. "Hell no. Not on that bastard."

"So then…what will you do?"

"Nothing," she mumbled, and promptly went back to sleep.

Shizuné was at a loss. Of Tsunadé's people skills. As always.

Uzuki Yuugao, however, did not give him up. _Because,_ thought Yuugao, _Kakashi always seemed to be wrong when the world was right. _Maybe…maybe he thought this time he would finally be right. _Kakashi…_

_I've spent so much time living in survival mode_

So there.

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_These precious illusions in my head_

_Did not let me down when I was defenseless_

_And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends_

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Let's all give a cheer for the broken.

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By Caliko  
These R the Thoughts 

_These are the thoughts that go through my head_

_In my backyard on a Sunday afternoon when I have the house_

_To myself and I am not expending all that energy on fighting with_

Kishimoto-sensei… :)


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